I recently spent a week in PA seeing friends and family and it was wonderful! I started a new policy that when I come back-you know because I fly in and all-if you want to see me you need to come and get me. I didn't think anyone would agree but would complian and say I would have to get to them but was happily proved wrong. People came and got me and it felt great not to stress about getting to and from but I put my faith in people and they came through. Plus, I felt like I was worth people's time and energy and they wanted to see me, too. Because of this I can honestly say it was relaxing and fun. I wish I could have seen more people but time did not permit me to do so. Before I went I spoke with my therapist who I will call LS about family things. 1) There was a family reunion and family that I didn't know existed contacted me via Facebook and invited me. I looked forward to meeting them. So, I would go to the reunion. 2) What would I say to my siblings about the fact they they have still not contributed to our mother's burial and tombstone? I was angry with them and still am. But, I talked and cried it over with LS and she made me realize that what I am doing is not working obviously. I THINK and EXPECT people to be good people but not ALL people are such and this unfortunatley is true in my family's case. Not all members but some. It is not ok to put all of that on one person-me- and they did just that. But, it is done and for my sake and happiness I need to move one. So, it was decided that when I see family I will no longer take them shopping, out to dinner, etc etc and just visit. I did take out one brother though but it was ok. He is going through legal issues and my heart breaks for him. I pray for him that things will work out and I hope you do, too. I won't go into detail but will leave it at the fact that it doesn't look good. Certain people have already taken so much from me and my generous heart and soul can not keep giving this way. Yes. I said it. I'm generous and giving and I feel weird saying something good about myself but it is true and I am learning and accepting this about myself. LS gave me suggestions for dealing with them and I passed with an A+. I saw her the morning after I returned from the trip and she said she was proud of me and that I am working very hard to improve my state of mind. I smiled and meant it. Well, I didn't make it to the family reunion because one of my brother's stood me up for the Farm Show. Yup...he stood his sister up from Texas who hasn't been back since the death of our mother (2 years) for a Farm Show. I could not believe it. Wait. No, I can believe it. If I would have offered to pay for the Farm Show I bet I would have been picked up quickly. I just breathed...alot...and moved on. I actually even visited this particular brother the very next day with the help of my other brother. The visit went well. My friends could not believe what he had done but I could. Is this bad? Nope. I am starting to expect reality from people at this point and this way I won't be heartbroken when incidents like this happen. But, like I said I had a nice visit and am glad I was the bigger person.
Can I just say how lucky I am to have the friends that I have? I truly am blessed. I whine about family stuff but I am surrounded (not really surrounded bc I live so far away) by wonderful people that really love me. And, that is the real meaning of family. There are so many good things to say about so many people from this trip that I will just make a general statement and thank God for such lovely people.
I visited mom's grave while I was there and took flowers. A wonderful friend took me out to visit. I have not been back since the funeral because of living 1,500 miles away. I sat and cried. I cried for her loss and the pain that she endured in her young life. She suffered mentally, physically, spiritually and many forms of abuse. I hurt for her. I wish she could have had a better life but am confident she is finally at peace. I am crying as I write this because it is so painful and I just wish things could have ended differently. But, all I can do is wish and wish and wish and be happy with the good memories that have taken her place.
