2 Pounds...better than nothin' I say!

Excited I lost 2 pounds since Sunday! Yay! Just a reminder that I gotta stick to the plan with WW to get where I want to be. I've put on so much weight and just feel terrible about myself. Some people say I look fine but then I have to rethink their sanity bc I see a huge hog. I know I'm not obese but that doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel which is poopy. Every year that goes by I think to myself 'there goes 1 more year that I could have been a better person.' I want to feel confident and feel comfortable in my own skin. Some would say that I am confident but they couldn't be more wrong. I use my trickery all the time to trick people into thinking that I am a happy go lucky girl but really I'm in constant battle with my greatest enemy---me. This enemy of mine causes lots of problems in my life and makes me feel inferior. Which is crazy because I'm such a huge advocate for treating every single person the same and that is dignity and respect. Yet I can't treat myself with dignity and respect. How the hell does that work? You got me! When I figure it out I'll let you in on my little secret to happiness. However, I'm working on this at the moment and I expect it to end on a good note. I suspect that getting my innards right will result in getting my outward right. I'm challenging my enemy to a duel. Hmmm...I need a name for this asshole enemy of mine. Let's call her "UnhappinessandAnger."

Too much to say and that's a good thing:)

I recently spent a week in PA seeing friends and family and it was wonderful! I started a new policy that when I come back-you know because I fly in and all-if you want to see me you need to come and get me. I didn't think anyone would agree but would complian and say I would have to get to them but was happily proved wrong. People came and got me and it felt great not to stress about getting to and from but I put my faith in people and they came through. Plus, I felt like I was worth people's time and energy and they wanted to see me, too. Because of this I can honestly say it was relaxing and fun. I wish I could have seen more people but time did not permit me to do so. Before I went I spoke with my therapist who I will call LS about family things. 1) There was a family reunion and family that I didn't know existed contacted me via Facebook and invited me. I looked forward to meeting them. So, I would go to the reunion.  2) What would I say to my siblings about the fact they they have still not contributed to our mother's burial and tombstone? I was angry with them and still am. But, I talked and cried it over with LS and she made me realize that what I am doing is not working obviously. I THINK and EXPECT people to be good people but not ALL people are such and this unfortunatley is true in my family's case. Not all members but some. It is not ok to put all of that on one person-me- and they did just that. But, it is done and for my sake and happiness I need to move one. So, it was decided that when I see family I will no longer take them shopping, out to dinner, etc etc and just visit. I did take out one brother though but it was ok. He is going through legal issues and my heart breaks for him. I pray for him that things will work out and I hope you do, too. I won't go into detail but will leave it at the fact that it doesn't look good. Certain people have already taken so much from me and my generous heart and soul can not keep giving this way. Yes. I said it. I'm generous and giving and I feel weird saying something good about myself but it is true and I am learning and accepting this about myself. LS gave me suggestions for dealing with them and I passed with an A+. I saw her the morning after I returned from the trip and she said she was proud of me and that I am working very hard to improve my state of mind. I smiled and meant it. Well, I didn't make it to the family reunion because one of my brother's stood me up for the Farm Show. Yup...he stood his sister up from Texas who hasn't been back since the death of our mother (2 years) for a Farm Show. I could not believe it. Wait. No, I can believe it. If I would have offered to pay for the Farm Show I bet I would have been picked up quickly. I just breathed...alot...and moved on. I actually even visited this particular brother the very next day with the help of my other brother. The visit went well. My friends could not believe what he had done but I could. Is this bad? Nope. I am starting to expect reality from people at this point and this way I won't be heartbroken when incidents like this happen. But, like I said I had a nice visit and am glad I was the bigger person.

Can I just say how lucky I am to have the friends that I have? I truly am blessed. I whine about family stuff but I  am surrounded (not really surrounded bc I live so far away) by wonderful people that really love me. And, that is the real meaning of family. There are so many good things to say about so many people from this trip that I will just make a general statement and thank God for such lovely people.

I visited mom's grave while I was there and took flowers. A wonderful friend took me out to visit. I have not been back since the funeral because of living 1,500 miles away. I sat and cried. I cried for her loss and the pain that she endured in her young life. She suffered mentally, physically, spiritually and many forms of abuse. I hurt for her. I wish she could have had a better life but am confident she is finally at peace. I am crying as I write this because it is so painful and I just wish things could have ended differently. But, all I can do is wish and wish and wish and be happy with the good memories that have taken her place.

Hand shake or hug?

Got my period so last month's fertility treatment did not work yet again. So, I took more this week and was going to do a procedure called sperm washing. yes, you heard right. Sperm washing. Well, can't do that now bc my dogs are both sick and paying almost $800 this week for vet bills. So, took the meds and hopefully they will take this month without the sperm washing. I never thought I'd live to see the day that I would be considering such a procedure. Oh well. I guess we're pretty serious about a baby:)
Met with a therapist yesterday for the first time who was so nice. I gave her a quick hour run down of why exactly I'm disfunctional (cue family pictures and crazy music). What we are going to 'start' working on is my anger towards my family who refuses to help with my mother's funeral costs. I have paid it all off but still...a little help would be nice. Whatevs, losers smoozers. Also, some marriage stuff. Keith and I butt heads so much and it needs to improve. We've been through a lot together and I want many more years of fabulous memories. Out of respect to our marriage I won't go into more detail than that. But, the therapist was really listening and seemed genuine so I liked that. She commented that my whole life starting from birth I have carried so much pressure from people and including my husband that I am bursting. She referenced it to a closet that is so full of clothes that is busting out and needs to go to Goodwill. I laughed and called myself and Emotional Hoarder and she laughed too and agreed. You see...I hold my emotions inside so that I can cater to everyone else's non-sense. Also, I don't like to talk about my feelings bc I feel weak and vulnerable. Something needs to give. I have high expections from so many people and when things go wrong even though it is clearly not my fault I am the enemy and the one to blame. It's driving me crazy. At the end she todl me that she would love to work with me and enjoyed me as a person. I suspect I'm pretty great and not necessarily crazy:) Hopefully, anyways. On the way out she asked if I prefer handshakes or hugs. I said handshakes and we shook hands. She said she thought so and that she didn't want to go over any boundaries. Nice enough. However, this got me thinking. I want to be a person who prefers hugs. I want to be a welcoming and trusting person to others and not to leary of others. Another goal added-to be a 'hug' person:)

on to the next one...

Update time! yay! try to contain your excitement out there:) Haven't rec'd any comments recently so it may be safe to assume that I'm just talking to myself on here at this point. Anyfertily, I went to the specialist last Thursday and good news...no cancer cysts.Woohoo! Also, I started a new fertility med. Well, started and completed in one sitting. 8 pills that is. Funny story about this particular medication (Femara)...one night I was taking a bath and Keith came in and said 'funny thing about vagina...my boss used to take it and got pregnant right away. I think we should try it." Gotta love a man who starts out with that, lol! Two days later the Dr. said it sounded like a great choice. Must I say that I have a lovely husband. He drives me apeshit alot of times but he is sweet. He makes sure to be at most of my appointments. Most is 99% and I am so lucky. I always tell him no need to go and he looks at me like I'm crazy. So blessed to have such support from him considering I haven't had much in my entire life. Some people have ventured in showing me some support but it's rare I feel it is genuine. We both have a good feeling this time so I hope we're right. Don't know what it is but something is telling me that something is going to happen soon. I hope I didn't just jinx myself but I just want to be a mommy:)

Great weekend!

Had a really nice weekend and hope all you readers did, too. I had a wonderful lunch with a friend on Saturday. The restaurant is one of my favorites. Everything is fresh and from the restaurant's own garden. Well, most things. Fresh squeezed mimosas, etc, etc. So friggin' good! Good food and good conversation always a plus:) Went to the outlets and got soem great deals at Banana Republic. Love that place. You spend $75 and get $400 worth of clothes--not bad, not bad at all. Then, yesterday went to San Marcos and floated the Guadelupe River with Keith. It was so nice out and nice to spend time with him. Even though we got into a fight it was all good. I just wish he would learn to relax and just go with things. He's so uptight! At the beginning I lost a flip flop and he started to lecture me on my shoe choice (rubber flip flops) and couldn't believe I lost a shoe. Ummm...it's a fucking river and sometimes your shoes fall off. Then, a random guy found it up the river and returned it to me. How nice! Yay, I had both shoes again. Take that, Keith:) Floating along having a fun time and we get to the end. The end has rapids and he wanted to go. I told him I'd get out and meet him after he was done. No, he insisted that I do them, too. But, he wasn't going with me. I told him not unless he was going with me because I knew I would end up past the check point for the bus to leave. Then, he would get pissy.  He said, 'just have fun!' and, pushed me down. Of course I end up much further down and he's yelling at me. I can't stop because it's a river, I have his cooler and shoes on top of me and am stuck. I finally was able to grab a tree branch to stop. He refused to help me and was yelling it was all my fault and was really pissed. Why can't he just help me and not yell at me like I'm a child? I told him that next time I'll control the river's flow and slow it down so I can stop sooner. He gave me a dirty look and said it was me and not the river. What the hell is he talking about? I have no control over mother nature you jerk! Stop being an ass and ruining our day. Well, he lost a shoe and I threw his other one in the river at him to get it. He didn't and kept yelling at me. I got out and walked to the bus with him in his bare feet. Funny how he ran his mouth earlier and was the one missing the shoes in the end. I was nice and carried both tubes and the cooler because he had no shoes on. He's lucky I did that after how he acted. Then, I get the jeep and pull it around to pick him up since his feet were burning from the pavement. He gets in the car and says that he had fun with a genuine smile. I really expected a big fight to ensue. I am happy I was wrong. Maybe he realized he was being a jerkface and calmed down. I know he'll never admit it. Then, we went to McDonald's and got the new Rolo McFlurry. Yum! Try it if you haven't yet. So good. We continued the evening and had a nice time together watching TV and hanging out. I just wish he would take deep breaths and calm down in life. We would be so much happier if he would. I love the man but really wish he would stop taking things out on me and flipping out over stupid stuff. Been saying this for years and as each one goes by I just keep wishing for him to answer it.

Remember me?

I took my hunny to dinner yesterday and rented Little Fockers to watch. I take Keith out every year on June 10th and on July 1st in memory of his brother, Brian who passed away ten years ago yesterday in an accident. July 1st is Brian's birthday.  Being with a man who shows little emotion and doesn't talk a whole lot I feel this is a nice gesture for him because he wouldn't do it  for himself. So, we have a tradition and I know he appreciates it and he can take some extra time and have a nice night out and all he has to do is pick where to eat and reflect on his brother. So, he picked Mama Fu's (he loves them I don't but no complaining today:) ). Watched the movie and shared a bottle of the yummy wine we got from the vineyards in New York last month. In between dinner and the movie Keith went to Cabela's and I took a nap. We had met at dinner because I went from work and he from home. Anyways, he returned with the biggest smile and said he got Ruthy (our coonhound) a present. He got her this awesome duck toy that shoots in the air and she chases it and brings it back to him. They were playing and having a great time. Butch (our pug) eventually joined in after Ruthy got tired. I sat on the porch and watched them all play and I just love to see Keith smile and have fun. He loved it, I loved it and so did the dogs. It was wonderful. Brings you back to the fact that it truly is the simple things in life that matter and you remember.

A dear friend had her son yesterday. I can't wait to meet him! However, he's in the NICU due to breathing problems. Prayers and love being sent their way. Baby and mommy are doing well per her reports and the  baby is getting stronger. Thank God. There's an old saying that out of death comes life and now with Keith and I's tradition on this sad day there is celebration for a new life and future.

I wish I could have met Brian but he passed away soon before I met Keith. But, I hear stories of nothing but love and adoration for this forever young man from their family and friends. He was taken too soon but made a big impact on loved ones. It makes me want to do better so that when I pass away people will remember me with smiles and stories of love and laughter.

A Few Questions

The hubby and I had a date night tonight and saw Hangover 2 and had Austin's Pizza. The movie was funny but wondering why is it that when I put my purse in the seat next to me (each time) people want to sit in that particular seat when there's others available?!  Then, the intruders play on their phone and chew loudly. gross. And, why is movie theater food so loud? And, why do assclowns who wear tights with all their bizzness showing bring their children to such a movie that shows genitals?! But, yet we can't have a baby? And, why can't we find good pizza in Austin. good grief already. But, we had a great night together. He worked all day and I painted the walls of our lovely home. Good overall because of the previous 2 sentences:)