A Few Questions

The hubby and I had a date night tonight and saw Hangover 2 and had Austin's Pizza. The movie was funny but wondering why is it that when I put my purse in the seat next to me (each time) people want to sit in that particular seat when there's others available?!  Then, the intruders play on their phone and chew loudly. gross. And, why is movie theater food so loud? And, why do assclowns who wear tights with all their bizzness showing bring their children to such a movie that shows genitals?! But, yet we can't have a baby? And, why can't we find good pizza in Austin. good grief already. But, we had a great night together. He worked all day and I painted the walls of our lovely home. Good overall because of the previous 2 sentences:)

I can relate to that...

Warning:  If you don't want to have a movie ruined then stop reading. This post is me through the eyes of the movie 'No Strings Attached.' It stars Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. FYI-how cute is NP?! Adorable! Anyways, the movie is about a girl and a guy who meet back up after years of not seeing each other and their path to love via having lots of sex. NP wants to have sex with AK with no strings attached but AK has different plans...he actually likes her. So, throughout the movie she is totally against falling in love with him and tries to sabatoge the entire possibility of love and a relationship. Ok, so where I feel I can relate here is not by having sex with random people for sex. I can count the people I've had relations with on one hand. Yeah, I'm pretty boring you could say. I feel like if you have sex with someone as a woman that person becomes apart of you. You may not have feelings for the other person but you shared a very intimate moment together. No, I'm not a girly mushface and am not needy in any way imaginable.  I kind of wish I had put out in my younger days just to see what it is like to be 'wanted.' Oh well. I don't feel like I missed out and am happy to have been having sex with my hubby (and only him) for almost 10 years now. And, this will continue because I married the man and am happy I did:) Where the relating comes into play is that I could see myself in NP's character in the movie because she kept pushing AK away from her despite all the nice attempts he made to show how much he cared. Total trust and abandonment issues. Samesies. I remember when guys approached me in the past and I could not possibly believe they had any interest whatsoever in this girl. Fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, trash, etc etc. Who the hell would want me? No one. If any interest was shown I automatically assumed it was either for sex because there were no other options (again, I never put out), or because they were interested in a friend instead. I'd 'help' them out by getting rid of them first. Never have I been broken up with but was the heartbreaker. I was so scared of rejection and kept thinking that I was outsmarting them. When really I was so scared to be hurt. When involved with one particular guy who was a notorious player I remember watching him actually like me yet I could not get it through my head that maybe I was special to someone. He always said the right things and I just thought "whatever loser." I'll keep playing along. Then, when I broke things off he looked at me with confusion and sadness and said, "you don't even like me. You act like you want nothing to do with me." I just went on with no problems in my life missing that possibility. Now, I see that I was so against letting anyone into my heart and head. This guy actually tried really hard and I basically laughed in his face and kind of made a fool of him.  Some of my friends watched this go down and would say, "Angel, you're a player!" I laughed it off and just thought better him than me. And, this is just one example. I watch this movie and see a sad sad girl who really believed that she was worthless and that relationships weren't her thing. The best thing would be to be alone. Yay! My thoughts exactly. However, NP is beautiful, fun, witty and smart and some one did like her. The movie ended with a happy ending of the two being together but it was tough for them because of NP's issues. At one point she told AK to go hook up with someone and he was going to and she almost lost him for good. I don't even know how many times I told ex's and my hubby to go hook up with someone else because I suck. They never took me up on this (to my knowledge). I have come to realize (even though I have always sort of known this) that I always push people way from me. I just assume they will leave me anyways so I want to end it all before they get a chance to. Better they get hurt then me, right? But, they don't care anyways. Right? But, they do from what I have experienced. I have done some mean things in my day and have learned these things weren't to be mean but to see if I would be left. Keith has proven to me countless times that I am very much loved and no matter what he will love me always. This is so powerful and shows his great character. I may get pissed at him but I can never say he is a bad person. He's so forgiving and it teaches me too that I need to be forgiving and just be myself. No need to push people away because at this point in my life I hope those around me do care for me. One of my first conversations with Keith was telling him that he could do better and he shouldn't waste his time on a girl like me. After all, I was all those bad things I mentioned earlier. This man proved he loved me all the way from AZ to PA. He moved to PA to be near me and I still did't believe he liked me for me. That was nearly a decade ago and he continues to shower me with love. My goal here is to stop being so hard on him and just trusting the fact that I am worthy of love. This was just hard for me to type but I have to stop being my worst enemy. I hope to continue to grow from this realization and to stop unconsciously sabotoging my very own happiness.

Gratitude shout out

Feeling like a reminder to myself of some "minor" things to be grateful for and the top 3 winners today (which may seem minor and obvious) are:
1) a car to get me to the places I need to get to such as work ( always wanted a working and reliable car growing up and up to about 5 years ago when I got my first reliable one);
*when  I was about 10 years old my mom had a 'new' car. I don't remember what it was but I remember it was 4 door and tan. It didn't have rust and was like all the other kids' cars in school. I was so proud to be picked up in it and I distinctively remember telling a friend all about our new car. I was quickly corrected by my mom to my friend saying it was "not new and was old." That may have been true but to me it was so awesome and one of the first times I ever felt normal.
2) insurance---got my fertility meds for $15 today!!! Woohoo! Could have been ridiculous...;
*Government insurance...need I say more?
3) a place to call "home" (in which I always wanted)
*Never felt truly at home anywhere but in my own bed.  Thankful...8 wonderful letters...

Let's catch up, shall we?

Time to catch up so here goes: well, took my pregnancy test bright and early on Tuesday before our flight hoping to land and spread happy news.  As you probably know by now being that was a week ago and the test was negative.  I was sad but of course expected the bad news. I woke Keith up for our flight with a kiss and let him know the news. He said the test was wrong.  Poor guy. I said it’s right unfortunately and was determined not to let this affect our anticipated trip to see his family and our friends.  Well, this lasted for a short time.  We get to the airport bright and early at 5am and things are ok. I’m at peace with the constant negative pregnancy tests and will just let loose and party. Well, we board the plane and sit for over an hour. There’s a ‘maintenance issue.’ We deboard the plane and with the other 100 passengers fight to get onto the next flight out. This was how do I say…f*cking annoying. We were so excited to get out of TX and off to a good time and now our plans were ruined…we would have to board 4 planes to get to our final destination.  This led to a 20 hour travel day and we lost lots of important time with loved ones. Well, this would make any normal human being upset but to 2 sad people who can’t have a baby and got another batch of this bad news this made everything worse and we of course did not want to even go there and admit this was the problem.  The hubby and I were at each other’s throats all day long. I was in a horrible mood and maybe my mood made his worse but no matter how you look at it it wasn’t good. Bickering and bickering that led to a drunken argument the next day.  Who’s to know if the fight would have ensued if there hadn’t been a vineyard tour filled with good wine but it did. Which, I must say I had the best time with a fantastic friend and had such beautiful weather.  Our camera got broke by the bartender taking our pictures. This was fuel added to the hushed tension  between the spouse and I. But, let’s take a quick minute to laugh…the friend I was with is a curse to cameras. Seriously. Everytime we get together my camera gets broken somehow. This is the 3^rd camera in a year in a half! WTH!! But, we have to laugh and joke about it at this point. There’ll be lots more broken in our lifetime of friendship ahead of us.  But, anyways we get into a stupid argument---I was told I was being a bitch because I said I was fat –well I am- and that ‘offended’ my friend and her boyfriend according to the hubby. Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis? I ask my girl about this said offensiveness and she said of course not and that we all had a great time.  I thought so too.  Well, what’s the best way to upset a girl who witnessed years of domestic violence and was apart of it as a child? To call her a bitch. What’s the best way to keep her upset? To keep saying she’s a bitch and just not understanding this is a no-no. We’re drunk and mad and now off to spend the night with the inlaws. Great-we’re mad at each other and we’re drunk and I have a feeling it won’t be hard to disguise the disgust we both have for each other at this point. I have a breakdown later to my mother-in-law. Poor woman. She is so sweet and caring and is cursed to have a wreck of a daughter in law.  Any-tears later off to bed. I wake up early and am laying in bed and am still mad at him and think this is it…we’re done. He lays next to me and hugs me tight and says he loves me. I melt and am back to realizing I’m with my best friend and we both need to give up the stubbornness and move on.  I am forever grateful he took the first step on this one. We ended up having such a great time after this and it was a wonderful vacation.  We got to spend a lot of time with my in-laws, who I can’t say enough are some of the best and nicest people I have ever met in my life, and also with many wonderful friends I have not seen in too long.  You know that you are in great company and friendships when you can just pick up where you left off without talking for so long.  I had the best time catching up with these fine people and was reminded how lucky that I am to have these people in my life.  I often feel left behind and forgotten being away from so many of them. But, I am fresh again from all the love they give to me and they probably don’t even know it.  As I write this I am somewhere on the way back to Austin in the air and am happy to have had such a great trip but am looking forward to sleeping back in my own bed and being covered with kisses from my most loving doggies.  Not really excited to return to work tomorrow but am excited to get back to the daily grind of life I don’t always take the time to appreciate. Oh! And, I just checked my grad school grades and all A’s again!! Yay!!  What a wonderful life J

Ain't Gonna Hold Me Down

Howdy! Since the last posting I did something fantastic! I paid off my mom's funeral!! So great! It's taken me 1 1/2 years and $5,000 but done:) Now, I just have to save up for the tombstone and I can move on from this. No help from the siblings. shocker. I posted this to my Facebook page and of course a relative told me 'not to be hard on them bacause I have been given so much more then them, college paid, etc, etc.' Also, that I shouldn't make them feel bad. Really lady? I don't know who you're talking about but I paid for college my damn self and they should feel bad. They should be ashamed of themselves for not pitching in for their own mother's funeral.  But, hey! Let's all go to concerts and eat out all day. Enjoy your 'effin concerts while I work full time and also part time at 'effin Kohl's. I am so tired of them getting a pity party because they didn't go to college so they are 'poor.' I went to college and they make more then me! Let's talk 'fair.' So, so tired of people acting like I was fed with a sliver spoon and continue to be so. I went through the same BS as they did and am still honest and am a hard worker. Just because someone goes to college doesn't mean they are financially responsible for EVERYBODY. That's the United States for us...people work hard and then the lazy ass's get profit from our hard work. I was upset and am tired of being the target and being made to feel bad because I worked hard to get where I am. I was NEVER handed anything in my life and am not stuck up just because I went to college. I emailed her back with my feelings and the FACTS.  I just got a very nice response back apologizing to me and she said she should have looked at it from my point of view and agreed with my email.  It was really sweet and I was not expecting it.  I feel better about the whole ordeal now and that people can stop playing the victim role all the time. Some people are just assholes...it is what it is.
I'm so excited to be leaving tomorrow for PA! I'll be seeing great friends and fabulous in-laws. I am the luckiest gal in the world for the family I married into. Thank you Baby Jesus!  I'll be meeting the babies of my friends-there's like 4 that have been born in the last year. So excited to see their babies and them as mommies:) Speaking of babies...I take a pregnancy test tomorrow so we'll know if the meds worked this round. Gonna take the test before we leave for the airport. I hope we have the good news to spread when we land:) Have a great day and I'm pretty sure I will have great stories to share from the trip!

Have I always looked so bad or has it just started to happen?

I'm looking in the mirror this morning getting ready and can't help but wonder if I am looking really old or if I've always looked so run down? I put on my antiaging moisturizer that I started to wear at age 25 and wonder if it's working or not.  Olay, get it together. I look over my body. It's fat and covered in cellulite...I mean covered. Horrible. I usually think these things when I look at myself but today seemed more apparent then usual. I look over every flaw that I have and just can't believe what I see! Then, Keith's voice is heard inside my head saying that I am beautiful. He says this every single day and I know he loves me very much.  So, why can't I believe it? Then, I think what is wrong with Keith for thinking this of such a mess? Then, I think of the recent comment that I got from someone (not a client) saying that I'm the 'best thing since sliced bread.' True story. Yes, a man said that to me and it wasn't creepy but was sweet and seemed sincere.  Then, I think what low standards he must have. Now I'm confused...am I just hard on myself or are all these people liars? Is is unhealthy to hate youself so much or do women everywhere feel this bad about themselves? I'm torn between when it's 'reality' or an illusion inside of me that is just wackadoo. Guess, I'll get back to chewing my gum for 'dessert.'