Tea Bags Are Trying to Teach Me Something

Well, this is weird...so yesterday I talk about patience and how much MORE I have to have of it. And, last night it gets put in my face again. Before bed I make a cup of tea (yes tea and not wine~I am now old) and on the tea bag is a little message and it says, " Patience gives the power to practice; practice gives the power that leads to perfection."  I can't make this up.  I looked at it and was given, as my great role model Oprah would say, an 'aha' moment. I stood there with it in my hand rereading it and apparently this brought attention to Keith. Keith asks me what I'm doing and I was smiling and explained how I just blogged about patience just hours before and here it is again. He must have thought I lost my marbles. I'm standing there smiling with a teabag in my hands going on about how much of a 'sign' this is! Him being sweet and in a good mood tells me it's true and he's glad I'm still writing. It's just so strange how things will appear in your life with messages and if you don't listen to them they will just keep coming until you get it. I need to get more of a handle on this patience character and let things just happen. I can't control everything around me and make demands of what is not ready to be. Angel, do you hear yourself? Stay calm and patient and something good will come out on top.   

Catheters, sperm, bloodwork -oh my!

Just realized I haven't posted in several days! I guess that means I am way toooo busy! With work and grad school coming to a close for the semester I am swamped. Good news is that yes, grad school will be coming to an end for the semester, and boy am I excited! I had no idea how much work grad school would be. Between being in class over 6 hours a week I put in at least 12+ reading and doing work/papers/projects, etc. Not exagerating here...it's alot. It seemed that undergrad was so easy (not easy but easier) and was able to be carefree and just know that the diploma is within reach and yay to adult working world! When you get older you have more responsibilities and this my friends takes so much time as you know. Then, add another responsibility like grad school and you are stretched so thin. But, it feels good to be bettering myself and getting my Master's. Who would have thought a girl like me -poor white trash- would grow up to graduate from one of the top schools in the country then to get a master's degree. Education has been my saving factor and I am forever grateful for it. Without educating myself I would be stuck somewhere crappy living a crappy life with a crappy man with crappy self-esteem (well, I still have that) with just crap in my life.  We know I wouldn't have the 80 kids other people get to populate our world with who can't afford them! wait a damn minute...I bet you that if I was stuck in that kind of life I would have all those kids and not even want or appreciate them. It's funny how those things work...when you want and can afford something sometimes God and/or society doesn't always give it to you. Why is that? Well, since that's the case then I will just work harder for what I want. Which has always been the case for me...not much given but boy do I put in work. I must give myself a pat on the back for my work ethic.  It's pretty awesome:) I wish I could put that work ethic into getting into shape but it just doesn't work like that. I just hope that with all the work I have been putting in to get pregnant comes through. And, I'm not talking sex here. I'm talking all the appointments, medication, exams, etc that I have been going through. Let's start from the top:
After trying for 3 years to get pregnant went to the Dr. to see about the possibility of fertility meds since my vagina wasn't working properly.  The Dr. looked at me with that worried look and said, 'well, Angel, with you having your breast cancer scare (02/10-sorry if I never told you but yes...horribly terrifying experience and I am cancer free. Thank God) and you being 30 and have not been able to conceive I'm referring you to a fertility specialist.  He's one of the best in the country and if your insurance will cover him you will get pregnant. He's great.' Well, hell! Sign me up lady! I'll be pregnant in lickity split! No worries! I call my insurance co. and they pay alot of the costs. I do research on said Dr and he is the real deal.  Me and the hubby are elated. Our dream of a baby will soon be true! So, we schedule the initial appointment and are instructed to complete lots of paperwork. This paperwork covered everything from first sexual experiences and partners and on and on. Thank goodness that Keith and I have been so honest with each other with our sexual pasts because I could see how all those questions would cause serious issues between a couple. So, we do our paperwork and excitedly make it to our first appointment. I will be pregnant and blue skies will appear. Weellllll... it doesn't really work that way. Me, hubby and Dr. sit at this huge desk and discuss all the paperwork. Then, I get orders to do weekly blood work and to get a cathetor put inside of me. What.the.hell. Ummmm, hellooooo I was to leave here pregnant Doc! He lectures me on patience and time. Ok, sir, thank you but 3 years is patience. But, that research on him being a great fertility Dr. rings in my ear and reminds me to be even more patient. So, I go to get lots of bloodwork. This means leaving my hectic job random times of the day with clients scheduled. Do I go or do I stay? Well, I gotta go because if I don't the Dr. will not let me get pregnant. So, I go. So, yet another unfair condition occuring in the life of a woman who can't get pregnant-her work also has to suffer. But, I go and it sucks (I can't stand needles and thinking about them right now is making my stomach hurt). I also go for my catheter---catheter in me and fluid is pushed inside of my body.  The Dr. (not my fertility Dr. but another) shows me what my lady parts looks like inside. I was grossed out but took this experience in because not everyone gets to see this. So, that was interesting. I am told I have beautiful ladybits but my cervix is turned but it's all good. I'll be able to have a baby and that with the fluid they put inside of me 'unclogged' everything and I have 3 months of the most fertile I will ever be in my life. After putting on a huge maxipad, because the fluid continues to leak from you for several hours because of the catheter, I am elated. I call the hubby and relay the great news---I am fertile and can reproduce! He's excited, I'm excited, we're excited. We go for it and try our damndest to make a baby. Oops...I forgot to mention that the hubby had his own assignment---to masturbate into a cup and get it to a lab. You would have thought the world ended for him! Oh.my.god. How embarassing, Angel?! I have to masturbate into a cup! Really buddy...I have to have weekly blood work and as a woman I have to have people check my muffin at least 1x a year for a pap. And, now I have to get it looked at ALL THE TIME! So, stop your complaining and at least your assignment will feel good.  In other words...you get an orgasm and I am a human pincushion. God bless America. After weeks of complaining he finally submitted the sample.  We call the fertility specialist and make a follow up appointment hoping I will be pregnant by the time I see him. Pregnancy test later and no baby. I'm heartbroken but then think the test is wrong, right??!! No. not wrong. very correct. No baby and as a matter of fact I don't ovulate. No babies ever. Ever. You don't ovulate so you can't have babies. The Dr. says I have one of the lowest rates of chances to become pregnant. The hubby's sperm is healthy and great.  Keith is happy and I am happy for him.  The problem now is that I am a loser and he can do so much better then me.  He can find a woman who can make a baby with him. Because I have ruined his hopes and dreams for a family by being a pathetic loser.  He never said this by the way. I said it. I feel like a complete failure. Keith is very supportive and hugs me and says it will all be ok. He says he loves me and we will get through this.  The Dr. gives me 6 months on fertility meds and then it's other options like IVF. Why not more than 6 months? Because it can cause cysts. Great. Ok, so I have 6 months. Let's do this. Get the meds and that was 4 months ago and still no baby. I buy fertility monitors and still don't ovulate with the help of my meds.  I am getting really pissy at the fact that I have to keep paying all this money and I get no results.  I cry and give up.  I find Keith looking at adoption lawyers and looking into the process. I come to peace with the fact that my dream is not my reality.  I will adopt. Keith says let's keep trying.  It is mentally and physically exhausting to go through this process and I am sooo sooo very tired. I go to the DR every single month and have continued blood work done. At the most recent Dr. appt I am ready to give up. The Dr. examines me and no cysts from the meds. Good. I am leaving and remind him that I did more bloodwork. Any word back? He checks and comes back with a smile. He says, 'Angel, you ovulated.' Never in my life did I ever think those words would be so sweet. I ask how because the ovulation tests return negative. He explains that I don't produce enough of the hormone for the tests to administer but I am still ovulating. So happy. He gives me more meds and says get to work. We'll talk next month about surgery procedures of no baby then. Another happy phone call to Keith that I started to ovulate. It's awesome. After many issues picking up the meds (because of my ridiculous insurance and idiotic Wal-Mart-who I hate) I take them and hope with all my might they work this month. So, I guess this leaves me with what? More patience. That's ok because hopefully soon we'll get our wish:)

Sunshine makes me happy:)

Good morning! I didn't get to blog last night because I'm getting old and my wrist hurt too bad from typing all darn day at work yesterday. The wrist needed a break and now it's back to business! Yippy! Ok, so as I type today please excuse any typos that may come out of it because my Butchy (my pug) is on my lap with the laptop. He has to touch me all the time and cries if he's not on me. But, the love of a dog is just so priceless and I don't know what I would do without mine. So, typing with my Butch on my lap and my Ruthy (my coonhound) laying in the sunlight by my feet. Sunshine shining on me and it makes me happy. I always knew that PA living wasn't for me because I need sunshine (and to get away from some of my family) all year around so left as soon as soon as I graduated college -Go Nittany Lions! My right hand man and best friend Keith (hubby) was with me and we moved to Delaware thinking the beach would be great. Nope. Too expensive and I had to work 3 jobs to clear $25,000 a year. Not our cup of tea. So, we picked up and moved to Arizona. I loved that place. Stunningly beautiful and met the funnest people to hang out with. I felt like I was on a daily vacation and had the best time there. But, then we moved out to Texas because of a better employment oppurtunity for Keith. So, here we are! TX is ok. Nice people and lots of the sunshine I love. I just miss my friends and sometimes feel like my life is passing me by.  I miss lots of things such as baby and bridal showers because of being away and it sucks. Is it passing me by or is this life and getting older? That's on my mind today...oh, and that I'm taking my last of this month's fertility meds today so hopefully will get pregnant. Needless to say Keith is excited and is ready to get to business:) Have a lovely Saturday whereever you are and I hope you have sunshine shining on your beautiful faces!

Family Matters

Hello, brave soul reading today's blog. Let's carry on from yesterday. You know...where I talked about my angry ladybits who don't want to cooperate? Yup. That's the one. So, again, 3 years ago we decided to have a baby and it didn't work. We wanted to keep trying and trying and trying. Nothing was happening. We went through being newlyweds fighting over this. We went through mourning my mother's death (RIP mommsy) and fighting over this. Which let me say I have some lousy siblings.  And this ties into our baby matters: I always knew I would be the one footing the bill for when she passed away. I'm the responsible one who doesn't screw people out of money and tries to pay people back if (and only if) I have to borrow money. So, It's all Angel's money all day every day. Which I barely get by anyways. And, I have always taken them out to eat, bought school clothes, paid bills, helped with getting their driver's licences, gave money to, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. So, here I am asking siblings to help with OUR mother's funeral costs so that I don't get a divorce over money matters and baby issues. And, let's face it, IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO!  I don't mind paying for things and enjoy helping others but I am at a point where I'm just like, 'really asshole?' When I ask what do I get, "well, we have kids and you have cars and a house so you can pay for everything." I am feeling hot in my face right now just talking about this and need to calm down before I lose it. Breathe......ok, better ....breathe...still not ok. I can seriously go on and on with the horrific emails I have received simply asking for help on this. I have cut my sister out of my life as she was involved in just one horrible email claiming I lied about funeral costs, etc. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!? WHEN DO I GET A NORMAL FAMILY?! I just can't believe the nerve of some people! Anways, I am going to stop here but wanted to point out that not only can I not have a baby but get it put in my face that I can't have a baby (while idiots reproduce) and DESERVE to be in debt to pay for other people's shit. And, I'm not talking about funerals here. But, talking about being too giving and trying to help my own family but when I ask for $50 whole dollars for help I get so disrespected. Oh, and I'm a tax payer and pay for people's kids that I can't have that they shouldn't have. Going through all of this makes me hope and pray for people like above...I hope YOUR children don't leave you stranded on your deathbed someday. Good news is is that I am only $250 away from paying the funeral off and next the tombstone. Yay! I only had to get a part tiem job at Kohl's on top of school and being employed in a stressful career full time.  I wouldn't expect jerks to stop buying WII's and hot wings to help a girl like me. No because that would be awful... I feel like a loser that my own mother doesn't have a tombstone after being gone for a year and a half. It's awful. But, I'm trying and have to save up for a tombstone before I can get that so trying very hard to save up. It's hard when you have fertility bills to pay for. In all honesty, being with my mother with her final breaths and being able to put her to rest is one of the best things to happen to me. Not that she passed away but so that I could be there for her. My mother and I have an extensive history of not getting along due to many reasons ( some of you know the details) and to be able to come to peace and to know personally that she is at peace is so very good in my book. And, it's worth the struggles with jerks like I mentioned before because when I am a parent whethere it be through me or adoption I will teach them all that I have learned and experienced and hopefully this will help them to be a great person and to do meaningful things in their lives. Not to be selfish and hateful people.

A new day

     Welp, what can I say? I feel this blog will help me with overcoming issues (within myself: self-esteem, trust, etc, etc). And, I hope most of all it may help others to overcome issues they may be having in their daily lives. What I am learning-yes it has taken me 30 years to realize-that talking and letting out your feelings will help you to feel better...most of the time. I have always held things in to be the 'strong one' and saw it as whining and a sign of weakness. Yes, this is bitchy I know and am working hard to overcome this about myself. I lecture people all the time about talking about things but can't do it myself. The whole 'do as a say not as I do' saying rings my bell unfortunately. Blah, blah, blah- so basically what I am trying to say is that learning at a really young age that putting out your feelings only to have them used against you later is not always true. You have to surround yourself with good, supportive and loving people and there you will find the answers you may need. I have found that maybe I do have something important to say and that people do love and support me. Who would have thought? Certainly not me (yes, I have issues...). 
     So where do I begin? Let's start with infertility...waaa wahhh. Cue Debbie Downer. I will be talking mostly about the problems that my hubby and I have been having with trying to conceive. And, let me tell you first hand this sucks beyond belief.  I never wanted children because of many reasons (through time I will go there with you) but then I get into a great life with a wonderful and caring man who wants to procreate with me. Yes, someone wants me to have their baby...sucker! Just kidding, dear:) And, after thinking about having a child I thought,"Angel, you'd be a great mother and should share such a wonderful experience as having a child." After coming to this decision we went for it. Yay! I would be pregnant right away and it would be great! After all- everyone I know can have kids and that includes my clients (you who know me what I'm talking about here) so why can't I?! That was 3 years ago...no babies here but lots and lots in everyone else's lives. We tried and tried and month after month the sad reality of that no baby would be coming in 9 months was heartbreaking. It consumes you. You feel like a loser and not a complete woman. How hard is it really to have a child because everyone else seems to do it just fine? Nope. Not me. Not gonna happen. It affected our marriage because of the constant let downs and the constant talking about it. Again, it consumes you. I can go on and on but my 'hook' is getting tired.  Stay tuned and I'll fill you in on more details. Have a fabulous day:)