2 Pounds...better than nothin' I say!

Excited I lost 2 pounds since Sunday! Yay! Just a reminder that I gotta stick to the plan with WW to get where I want to be. I've put on so much weight and just feel terrible about myself. Some people say I look fine but then I have to rethink their sanity bc I see a huge hog. I know I'm not obese but that doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel which is poopy. Every year that goes by I think to myself 'there goes 1 more year that I could have been a better person.' I want to feel confident and feel comfortable in my own skin. Some would say that I am confident but they couldn't be more wrong. I use my trickery all the time to trick people into thinking that I am a happy go lucky girl but really I'm in constant battle with my greatest enemy---me. This enemy of mine causes lots of problems in my life and makes me feel inferior. Which is crazy because I'm such a huge advocate for treating every single person the same and that is dignity and respect. Yet I can't treat myself with dignity and respect. How the hell does that work? You got me! When I figure it out I'll let you in on my little secret to happiness. However, I'm working on this at the moment and I expect it to end on a good note. I suspect that getting my innards right will result in getting my outward right. I'm challenging my enemy to a duel. Hmmm...I need a name for this asshole enemy of mine. Let's call her "UnhappinessandAnger."

Too much to say and that's a good thing:)

I recently spent a week in PA seeing friends and family and it was wonderful! I started a new policy that when I come back-you know because I fly in and all-if you want to see me you need to come and get me. I didn't think anyone would agree but would complian and say I would have to get to them but was happily proved wrong. People came and got me and it felt great not to stress about getting to and from but I put my faith in people and they came through. Plus, I felt like I was worth people's time and energy and they wanted to see me, too. Because of this I can honestly say it was relaxing and fun. I wish I could have seen more people but time did not permit me to do so. Before I went I spoke with my therapist who I will call LS about family things. 1) There was a family reunion and family that I didn't know existed contacted me via Facebook and invited me. I looked forward to meeting them. So, I would go to the reunion.  2) What would I say to my siblings about the fact they they have still not contributed to our mother's burial and tombstone? I was angry with them and still am. But, I talked and cried it over with LS and she made me realize that what I am doing is not working obviously. I THINK and EXPECT people to be good people but not ALL people are such and this unfortunatley is true in my family's case. Not all members but some. It is not ok to put all of that on one person-me- and they did just that. But, it is done and for my sake and happiness I need to move one. So, it was decided that when I see family I will no longer take them shopping, out to dinner, etc etc and just visit. I did take out one brother though but it was ok. He is going through legal issues and my heart breaks for him. I pray for him that things will work out and I hope you do, too. I won't go into detail but will leave it at the fact that it doesn't look good. Certain people have already taken so much from me and my generous heart and soul can not keep giving this way. Yes. I said it. I'm generous and giving and I feel weird saying something good about myself but it is true and I am learning and accepting this about myself. LS gave me suggestions for dealing with them and I passed with an A+. I saw her the morning after I returned from the trip and she said she was proud of me and that I am working very hard to improve my state of mind. I smiled and meant it. Well, I didn't make it to the family reunion because one of my brother's stood me up for the Farm Show. Yup...he stood his sister up from Texas who hasn't been back since the death of our mother (2 years) for a Farm Show. I could not believe it. Wait. No, I can believe it. If I would have offered to pay for the Farm Show I bet I would have been picked up quickly. I just breathed...alot...and moved on. I actually even visited this particular brother the very next day with the help of my other brother. The visit went well. My friends could not believe what he had done but I could. Is this bad? Nope. I am starting to expect reality from people at this point and this way I won't be heartbroken when incidents like this happen. But, like I said I had a nice visit and am glad I was the bigger person.

Can I just say how lucky I am to have the friends that I have? I truly am blessed. I whine about family stuff but I  am surrounded (not really surrounded bc I live so far away) by wonderful people that really love me. And, that is the real meaning of family. There are so many good things to say about so many people from this trip that I will just make a general statement and thank God for such lovely people.

I visited mom's grave while I was there and took flowers. A wonderful friend took me out to visit. I have not been back since the funeral because of living 1,500 miles away. I sat and cried. I cried for her loss and the pain that she endured in her young life. She suffered mentally, physically, spiritually and many forms of abuse. I hurt for her. I wish she could have had a better life but am confident she is finally at peace. I am crying as I write this because it is so painful and I just wish things could have ended differently. But, all I can do is wish and wish and wish and be happy with the good memories that have taken her place.

Hand shake or hug?

Got my period so last month's fertility treatment did not work yet again. So, I took more this week and was going to do a procedure called sperm washing. yes, you heard right. Sperm washing. Well, can't do that now bc my dogs are both sick and paying almost $800 this week for vet bills. So, took the meds and hopefully they will take this month without the sperm washing. I never thought I'd live to see the day that I would be considering such a procedure. Oh well. I guess we're pretty serious about a baby:)
Met with a therapist yesterday for the first time who was so nice. I gave her a quick hour run down of why exactly I'm disfunctional (cue family pictures and crazy music). What we are going to 'start' working on is my anger towards my family who refuses to help with my mother's funeral costs. I have paid it all off but still...a little help would be nice. Whatevs, losers smoozers. Also, some marriage stuff. Keith and I butt heads so much and it needs to improve. We've been through a lot together and I want many more years of fabulous memories. Out of respect to our marriage I won't go into more detail than that. But, the therapist was really listening and seemed genuine so I liked that. She commented that my whole life starting from birth I have carried so much pressure from people and including my husband that I am bursting. She referenced it to a closet that is so full of clothes that is busting out and needs to go to Goodwill. I laughed and called myself and Emotional Hoarder and she laughed too and agreed. You see...I hold my emotions inside so that I can cater to everyone else's non-sense. Also, I don't like to talk about my feelings bc I feel weak and vulnerable. Something needs to give. I have high expections from so many people and when things go wrong even though it is clearly not my fault I am the enemy and the one to blame. It's driving me crazy. At the end she todl me that she would love to work with me and enjoyed me as a person. I suspect I'm pretty great and not necessarily crazy:) Hopefully, anyways. On the way out she asked if I prefer handshakes or hugs. I said handshakes and we shook hands. She said she thought so and that she didn't want to go over any boundaries. Nice enough. However, this got me thinking. I want to be a person who prefers hugs. I want to be a welcoming and trusting person to others and not to leary of others. Another goal added-to be a 'hug' person:)

on to the next one...

Update time! yay! try to contain your excitement out there:) Haven't rec'd any comments recently so it may be safe to assume that I'm just talking to myself on here at this point. Anyfertily, I went to the specialist last Thursday and good news...no cancer cysts.Woohoo! Also, I started a new fertility med. Well, started and completed in one sitting. 8 pills that is. Funny story about this particular medication (Femara)...one night I was taking a bath and Keith came in and said 'funny thing about vagina...my boss used to take it and got pregnant right away. I think we should try it." Gotta love a man who starts out with that, lol! Two days later the Dr. said it sounded like a great choice. Must I say that I have a lovely husband. He drives me apeshit alot of times but he is sweet. He makes sure to be at most of my appointments. Most is 99% and I am so lucky. I always tell him no need to go and he looks at me like I'm crazy. So blessed to have such support from him considering I haven't had much in my entire life. Some people have ventured in showing me some support but it's rare I feel it is genuine. We both have a good feeling this time so I hope we're right. Don't know what it is but something is telling me that something is going to happen soon. I hope I didn't just jinx myself but I just want to be a mommy:)

Great weekend!

Had a really nice weekend and hope all you readers did, too. I had a wonderful lunch with a friend on Saturday. The restaurant is one of my favorites. Everything is fresh and from the restaurant's own garden. Well, most things. Fresh squeezed mimosas, etc, etc. So friggin' good! Good food and good conversation always a plus:) Went to the outlets and got soem great deals at Banana Republic. Love that place. You spend $75 and get $400 worth of clothes--not bad, not bad at all. Then, yesterday went to San Marcos and floated the Guadelupe River with Keith. It was so nice out and nice to spend time with him. Even though we got into a fight it was all good. I just wish he would learn to relax and just go with things. He's so uptight! At the beginning I lost a flip flop and he started to lecture me on my shoe choice (rubber flip flops) and couldn't believe I lost a shoe. Ummm...it's a fucking river and sometimes your shoes fall off. Then, a random guy found it up the river and returned it to me. How nice! Yay, I had both shoes again. Take that, Keith:) Floating along having a fun time and we get to the end. The end has rapids and he wanted to go. I told him I'd get out and meet him after he was done. No, he insisted that I do them, too. But, he wasn't going with me. I told him not unless he was going with me because I knew I would end up past the check point for the bus to leave. Then, he would get pissy.  He said, 'just have fun!' and, pushed me down. Of course I end up much further down and he's yelling at me. I can't stop because it's a river, I have his cooler and shoes on top of me and am stuck. I finally was able to grab a tree branch to stop. He refused to help me and was yelling it was all my fault and was really pissed. Why can't he just help me and not yell at me like I'm a child? I told him that next time I'll control the river's flow and slow it down so I can stop sooner. He gave me a dirty look and said it was me and not the river. What the hell is he talking about? I have no control over mother nature you jerk! Stop being an ass and ruining our day. Well, he lost a shoe and I threw his other one in the river at him to get it. He didn't and kept yelling at me. I got out and walked to the bus with him in his bare feet. Funny how he ran his mouth earlier and was the one missing the shoes in the end. I was nice and carried both tubes and the cooler because he had no shoes on. He's lucky I did that after how he acted. Then, I get the jeep and pull it around to pick him up since his feet were burning from the pavement. He gets in the car and says that he had fun with a genuine smile. I really expected a big fight to ensue. I am happy I was wrong. Maybe he realized he was being a jerkface and calmed down. I know he'll never admit it. Then, we went to McDonald's and got the new Rolo McFlurry. Yum! Try it if you haven't yet. So good. We continued the evening and had a nice time together watching TV and hanging out. I just wish he would take deep breaths and calm down in life. We would be so much happier if he would. I love the man but really wish he would stop taking things out on me and flipping out over stupid stuff. Been saying this for years and as each one goes by I just keep wishing for him to answer it.

Remember me?

I took my hunny to dinner yesterday and rented Little Fockers to watch. I take Keith out every year on June 10th and on July 1st in memory of his brother, Brian who passed away ten years ago yesterday in an accident. July 1st is Brian's birthday.  Being with a man who shows little emotion and doesn't talk a whole lot I feel this is a nice gesture for him because he wouldn't do it  for himself. So, we have a tradition and I know he appreciates it and he can take some extra time and have a nice night out and all he has to do is pick where to eat and reflect on his brother. So, he picked Mama Fu's (he loves them I don't but no complaining today:) ). Watched the movie and shared a bottle of the yummy wine we got from the vineyards in New York last month. In between dinner and the movie Keith went to Cabela's and I took a nap. We had met at dinner because I went from work and he from home. Anyways, he returned with the biggest smile and said he got Ruthy (our coonhound) a present. He got her this awesome duck toy that shoots in the air and she chases it and brings it back to him. They were playing and having a great time. Butch (our pug) eventually joined in after Ruthy got tired. I sat on the porch and watched them all play and I just love to see Keith smile and have fun. He loved it, I loved it and so did the dogs. It was wonderful. Brings you back to the fact that it truly is the simple things in life that matter and you remember.

A dear friend had her son yesterday. I can't wait to meet him! However, he's in the NICU due to breathing problems. Prayers and love being sent their way. Baby and mommy are doing well per her reports and the  baby is getting stronger. Thank God. There's an old saying that out of death comes life and now with Keith and I's tradition on this sad day there is celebration for a new life and future.

I wish I could have met Brian but he passed away soon before I met Keith. But, I hear stories of nothing but love and adoration for this forever young man from their family and friends. He was taken too soon but made a big impact on loved ones. It makes me want to do better so that when I pass away people will remember me with smiles and stories of love and laughter.

A Few Questions

The hubby and I had a date night tonight and saw Hangover 2 and had Austin's Pizza. The movie was funny but wondering why is it that when I put my purse in the seat next to me (each time) people want to sit in that particular seat when there's others available?!  Then, the intruders play on their phone and chew loudly. gross. And, why is movie theater food so loud? And, why do assclowns who wear tights with all their bizzness showing bring their children to such a movie that shows genitals?! But, yet we can't have a baby? And, why can't we find good pizza in Austin. good grief already. But, we had a great night together. He worked all day and I painted the walls of our lovely home. Good overall because of the previous 2 sentences:)

I can relate to that...

Warning:  If you don't want to have a movie ruined then stop reading. This post is me through the eyes of the movie 'No Strings Attached.' It stars Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. FYI-how cute is NP?! Adorable! Anyways, the movie is about a girl and a guy who meet back up after years of not seeing each other and their path to love via having lots of sex. NP wants to have sex with AK with no strings attached but AK has different plans...he actually likes her. So, throughout the movie she is totally against falling in love with him and tries to sabatoge the entire possibility of love and a relationship. Ok, so where I feel I can relate here is not by having sex with random people for sex. I can count the people I've had relations with on one hand. Yeah, I'm pretty boring you could say. I feel like if you have sex with someone as a woman that person becomes apart of you. You may not have feelings for the other person but you shared a very intimate moment together. No, I'm not a girly mushface and am not needy in any way imaginable.  I kind of wish I had put out in my younger days just to see what it is like to be 'wanted.' Oh well. I don't feel like I missed out and am happy to have been having sex with my hubby (and only him) for almost 10 years now. And, this will continue because I married the man and am happy I did:) Where the relating comes into play is that I could see myself in NP's character in the movie because she kept pushing AK away from her despite all the nice attempts he made to show how much he cared. Total trust and abandonment issues. Samesies. I remember when guys approached me in the past and I could not possibly believe they had any interest whatsoever in this girl. Fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, trash, etc etc. Who the hell would want me? No one. If any interest was shown I automatically assumed it was either for sex because there were no other options (again, I never put out), or because they were interested in a friend instead. I'd 'help' them out by getting rid of them first. Never have I been broken up with but was the heartbreaker. I was so scared of rejection and kept thinking that I was outsmarting them. When really I was so scared to be hurt. When involved with one particular guy who was a notorious player I remember watching him actually like me yet I could not get it through my head that maybe I was special to someone. He always said the right things and I just thought "whatever loser." I'll keep playing along. Then, when I broke things off he looked at me with confusion and sadness and said, "you don't even like me. You act like you want nothing to do with me." I just went on with no problems in my life missing that possibility. Now, I see that I was so against letting anyone into my heart and head. This guy actually tried really hard and I basically laughed in his face and kind of made a fool of him.  Some of my friends watched this go down and would say, "Angel, you're a player!" I laughed it off and just thought better him than me. And, this is just one example. I watch this movie and see a sad sad girl who really believed that she was worthless and that relationships weren't her thing. The best thing would be to be alone. Yay! My thoughts exactly. However, NP is beautiful, fun, witty and smart and some one did like her. The movie ended with a happy ending of the two being together but it was tough for them because of NP's issues. At one point she told AK to go hook up with someone and he was going to and she almost lost him for good. I don't even know how many times I told ex's and my hubby to go hook up with someone else because I suck. They never took me up on this (to my knowledge). I have come to realize (even though I have always sort of known this) that I always push people way from me. I just assume they will leave me anyways so I want to end it all before they get a chance to. Better they get hurt then me, right? But, they don't care anyways. Right? But, they do from what I have experienced. I have done some mean things in my day and have learned these things weren't to be mean but to see if I would be left. Keith has proven to me countless times that I am very much loved and no matter what he will love me always. This is so powerful and shows his great character. I may get pissed at him but I can never say he is a bad person. He's so forgiving and it teaches me too that I need to be forgiving and just be myself. No need to push people away because at this point in my life I hope those around me do care for me. One of my first conversations with Keith was telling him that he could do better and he shouldn't waste his time on a girl like me. After all, I was all those bad things I mentioned earlier. This man proved he loved me all the way from AZ to PA. He moved to PA to be near me and I still did't believe he liked me for me. That was nearly a decade ago and he continues to shower me with love. My goal here is to stop being so hard on him and just trusting the fact that I am worthy of love. This was just hard for me to type but I have to stop being my worst enemy. I hope to continue to grow from this realization and to stop unconsciously sabotoging my very own happiness.

Gratitude shout out

Feeling like a reminder to myself of some "minor" things to be grateful for and the top 3 winners today (which may seem minor and obvious) are:
1) a car to get me to the places I need to get to such as work ( always wanted a working and reliable car growing up and up to about 5 years ago when I got my first reliable one);
*when  I was about 10 years old my mom had a 'new' car. I don't remember what it was but I remember it was 4 door and tan. It didn't have rust and was like all the other kids' cars in school. I was so proud to be picked up in it and I distinctively remember telling a friend all about our new car. I was quickly corrected by my mom to my friend saying it was "not new and was old." That may have been true but to me it was so awesome and one of the first times I ever felt normal.
2) insurance---got my fertility meds for $15 today!!! Woohoo! Could have been ridiculous...;
*Government insurance...need I say more?
3) a place to call "home" (in which I always wanted)
*Never felt truly at home anywhere but in my own bed.  Thankful...8 wonderful letters...

Let's catch up, shall we?

Time to catch up so here goes: well, took my pregnancy test bright and early on Tuesday before our flight hoping to land and spread happy news.  As you probably know by now being that was a week ago and the test was negative.  I was sad but of course expected the bad news. I woke Keith up for our flight with a kiss and let him know the news. He said the test was wrong.  Poor guy. I said it’s right unfortunately and was determined not to let this affect our anticipated trip to see his family and our friends.  Well, this lasted for a short time.  We get to the airport bright and early at 5am and things are ok. I’m at peace with the constant negative pregnancy tests and will just let loose and party. Well, we board the plane and sit for over an hour. There’s a ‘maintenance issue.’ We deboard the plane and with the other 100 passengers fight to get onto the next flight out. This was how do I say…f*cking annoying. We were so excited to get out of TX and off to a good time and now our plans were ruined…we would have to board 4 planes to get to our final destination.  This led to a 20 hour travel day and we lost lots of important time with loved ones. Well, this would make any normal human being upset but to 2 sad people who can’t have a baby and got another batch of this bad news this made everything worse and we of course did not want to even go there and admit this was the problem.  The hubby and I were at each other’s throats all day long. I was in a horrible mood and maybe my mood made his worse but no matter how you look at it it wasn’t good. Bickering and bickering that led to a drunken argument the next day.  Who’s to know if the fight would have ensued if there hadn’t been a vineyard tour filled with good wine but it did. Which, I must say I had the best time with a fantastic friend and had such beautiful weather.  Our camera got broke by the bartender taking our pictures. This was fuel added to the hushed tension  between the spouse and I. But, let’s take a quick minute to laugh…the friend I was with is a curse to cameras. Seriously. Everytime we get together my camera gets broken somehow. This is the 3^rd camera in a year in a half! WTH!! But, we have to laugh and joke about it at this point. There’ll be lots more broken in our lifetime of friendship ahead of us.  But, anyways we get into a stupid argument---I was told I was being a bitch because I said I was fat –well I am- and that ‘offended’ my friend and her boyfriend according to the hubby. Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis? I ask my girl about this said offensiveness and she said of course not and that we all had a great time.  I thought so too.  Well, what’s the best way to upset a girl who witnessed years of domestic violence and was apart of it as a child? To call her a bitch. What’s the best way to keep her upset? To keep saying she’s a bitch and just not understanding this is a no-no. We’re drunk and mad and now off to spend the night with the inlaws. Great-we’re mad at each other and we’re drunk and I have a feeling it won’t be hard to disguise the disgust we both have for each other at this point. I have a breakdown later to my mother-in-law. Poor woman. She is so sweet and caring and is cursed to have a wreck of a daughter in law.  Any-tears later off to bed. I wake up early and am laying in bed and am still mad at him and think this is it…we’re done. He lays next to me and hugs me tight and says he loves me. I melt and am back to realizing I’m with my best friend and we both need to give up the stubbornness and move on.  I am forever grateful he took the first step on this one. We ended up having such a great time after this and it was a wonderful vacation.  We got to spend a lot of time with my in-laws, who I can’t say enough are some of the best and nicest people I have ever met in my life, and also with many wonderful friends I have not seen in too long.  You know that you are in great company and friendships when you can just pick up where you left off without talking for so long.  I had the best time catching up with these fine people and was reminded how lucky that I am to have these people in my life.  I often feel left behind and forgotten being away from so many of them. But, I am fresh again from all the love they give to me and they probably don’t even know it.  As I write this I am somewhere on the way back to Austin in the air and am happy to have had such a great trip but am looking forward to sleeping back in my own bed and being covered with kisses from my most loving doggies.  Not really excited to return to work tomorrow but am excited to get back to the daily grind of life I don’t always take the time to appreciate. Oh! And, I just checked my grad school grades and all A’s again!! Yay!!  What a wonderful life J

Ain't Gonna Hold Me Down

Howdy! Since the last posting I did something fantastic! I paid off my mom's funeral!! So great! It's taken me 1 1/2 years and $5,000 but done:) Now, I just have to save up for the tombstone and I can move on from this. No help from the siblings. shocker. I posted this to my Facebook page and of course a relative told me 'not to be hard on them bacause I have been given so much more then them, college paid, etc, etc.' Also, that I shouldn't make them feel bad. Really lady? I don't know who you're talking about but I paid for college my damn self and they should feel bad. They should be ashamed of themselves for not pitching in for their own mother's funeral.  But, hey! Let's all go to concerts and eat out all day. Enjoy your 'effin concerts while I work full time and also part time at 'effin Kohl's. I am so tired of them getting a pity party because they didn't go to college so they are 'poor.' I went to college and they make more then me! Let's talk 'fair.' So, so tired of people acting like I was fed with a sliver spoon and continue to be so. I went through the same BS as they did and am still honest and am a hard worker. Just because someone goes to college doesn't mean they are financially responsible for EVERYBODY. That's the United States for us...people work hard and then the lazy ass's get profit from our hard work. I was upset and am tired of being the target and being made to feel bad because I worked hard to get where I am. I was NEVER handed anything in my life and am not stuck up just because I went to college. I emailed her back with my feelings and the FACTS.  I just got a very nice response back apologizing to me and she said she should have looked at it from my point of view and agreed with my email.  It was really sweet and I was not expecting it.  I feel better about the whole ordeal now and that people can stop playing the victim role all the time. Some people are just assholes...it is what it is.
I'm so excited to be leaving tomorrow for PA! I'll be seeing great friends and fabulous in-laws. I am the luckiest gal in the world for the family I married into. Thank you Baby Jesus!  I'll be meeting the babies of my friends-there's like 4 that have been born in the last year. So excited to see their babies and them as mommies:) Speaking of babies...I take a pregnancy test tomorrow so we'll know if the meds worked this round. Gonna take the test before we leave for the airport. I hope we have the good news to spread when we land:) Have a great day and I'm pretty sure I will have great stories to share from the trip!

Have I always looked so bad or has it just started to happen?

I'm looking in the mirror this morning getting ready and can't help but wonder if I am looking really old or if I've always looked so run down? I put on my antiaging moisturizer that I started to wear at age 25 and wonder if it's working or not.  Olay, get it together. I look over my body. It's fat and covered in cellulite...I mean covered. Horrible. I usually think these things when I look at myself but today seemed more apparent then usual. I look over every flaw that I have and just can't believe what I see! Then, Keith's voice is heard inside my head saying that I am beautiful. He says this every single day and I know he loves me very much.  So, why can't I believe it? Then, I think what is wrong with Keith for thinking this of such a mess? Then, I think of the recent comment that I got from someone (not a client) saying that I'm the 'best thing since sliced bread.' True story. Yes, a man said that to me and it wasn't creepy but was sweet and seemed sincere.  Then, I think what low standards he must have. Now I'm confused...am I just hard on myself or are all these people liars? Is is unhealthy to hate youself so much or do women everywhere feel this bad about themselves? I'm torn between when it's 'reality' or an illusion inside of me that is just wackadoo. Guess, I'll get back to chewing my gum for 'dessert.'

Tea Bags Are Trying to Teach Me Something

Well, this is weird...so yesterday I talk about patience and how much MORE I have to have of it. And, last night it gets put in my face again. Before bed I make a cup of tea (yes tea and not wine~I am now old) and on the tea bag is a little message and it says, " Patience gives the power to practice; practice gives the power that leads to perfection."  I can't make this up.  I looked at it and was given, as my great role model Oprah would say, an 'aha' moment. I stood there with it in my hand rereading it and apparently this brought attention to Keith. Keith asks me what I'm doing and I was smiling and explained how I just blogged about patience just hours before and here it is again. He must have thought I lost my marbles. I'm standing there smiling with a teabag in my hands going on about how much of a 'sign' this is! Him being sweet and in a good mood tells me it's true and he's glad I'm still writing. It's just so strange how things will appear in your life with messages and if you don't listen to them they will just keep coming until you get it. I need to get more of a handle on this patience character and let things just happen. I can't control everything around me and make demands of what is not ready to be. Angel, do you hear yourself? Stay calm and patient and something good will come out on top.   

Catheters, sperm, bloodwork -oh my!

Just realized I haven't posted in several days! I guess that means I am way toooo busy! With work and grad school coming to a close for the semester I am swamped. Good news is that yes, grad school will be coming to an end for the semester, and boy am I excited! I had no idea how much work grad school would be. Between being in class over 6 hours a week I put in at least 12+ reading and doing work/papers/projects, etc. Not exagerating here...it's alot. It seemed that undergrad was so easy (not easy but easier) and was able to be carefree and just know that the diploma is within reach and yay to adult working world! When you get older you have more responsibilities and this my friends takes so much time as you know. Then, add another responsibility like grad school and you are stretched so thin. But, it feels good to be bettering myself and getting my Master's. Who would have thought a girl like me -poor white trash- would grow up to graduate from one of the top schools in the country then to get a master's degree. Education has been my saving factor and I am forever grateful for it. Without educating myself I would be stuck somewhere crappy living a crappy life with a crappy man with crappy self-esteem (well, I still have that) with just crap in my life.  We know I wouldn't have the 80 kids other people get to populate our world with who can't afford them! wait a damn minute...I bet you that if I was stuck in that kind of life I would have all those kids and not even want or appreciate them. It's funny how those things work...when you want and can afford something sometimes God and/or society doesn't always give it to you. Why is that? Well, since that's the case then I will just work harder for what I want. Which has always been the case for me...not much given but boy do I put in work. I must give myself a pat on the back for my work ethic.  It's pretty awesome:) I wish I could put that work ethic into getting into shape but it just doesn't work like that. I just hope that with all the work I have been putting in to get pregnant comes through. And, I'm not talking sex here. I'm talking all the appointments, medication, exams, etc that I have been going through. Let's start from the top:
After trying for 3 years to get pregnant went to the Dr. to see about the possibility of fertility meds since my vagina wasn't working properly.  The Dr. looked at me with that worried look and said, 'well, Angel, with you having your breast cancer scare (02/10-sorry if I never told you but yes...horribly terrifying experience and I am cancer free. Thank God) and you being 30 and have not been able to conceive I'm referring you to a fertility specialist.  He's one of the best in the country and if your insurance will cover him you will get pregnant. He's great.' Well, hell! Sign me up lady! I'll be pregnant in lickity split! No worries! I call my insurance co. and they pay alot of the costs. I do research on said Dr and he is the real deal.  Me and the hubby are elated. Our dream of a baby will soon be true! So, we schedule the initial appointment and are instructed to complete lots of paperwork. This paperwork covered everything from first sexual experiences and partners and on and on. Thank goodness that Keith and I have been so honest with each other with our sexual pasts because I could see how all those questions would cause serious issues between a couple. So, we do our paperwork and excitedly make it to our first appointment. I will be pregnant and blue skies will appear. Weellllll... it doesn't really work that way. Me, hubby and Dr. sit at this huge desk and discuss all the paperwork. Then, I get orders to do weekly blood work and to get a cathetor put inside of me. What.the.hell. Ummmm, hellooooo I was to leave here pregnant Doc! He lectures me on patience and time. Ok, sir, thank you but 3 years is patience. But, that research on him being a great fertility Dr. rings in my ear and reminds me to be even more patient. So, I go to get lots of bloodwork. This means leaving my hectic job random times of the day with clients scheduled. Do I go or do I stay? Well, I gotta go because if I don't the Dr. will not let me get pregnant. So, I go. So, yet another unfair condition occuring in the life of a woman who can't get pregnant-her work also has to suffer. But, I go and it sucks (I can't stand needles and thinking about them right now is making my stomach hurt). I also go for my catheter---catheter in me and fluid is pushed inside of my body.  The Dr. (not my fertility Dr. but another) shows me what my lady parts looks like inside. I was grossed out but took this experience in because not everyone gets to see this. So, that was interesting. I am told I have beautiful ladybits but my cervix is turned but it's all good. I'll be able to have a baby and that with the fluid they put inside of me 'unclogged' everything and I have 3 months of the most fertile I will ever be in my life. After putting on a huge maxipad, because the fluid continues to leak from you for several hours because of the catheter, I am elated. I call the hubby and relay the great news---I am fertile and can reproduce! He's excited, I'm excited, we're excited. We go for it and try our damndest to make a baby. Oops...I forgot to mention that the hubby had his own assignment---to masturbate into a cup and get it to a lab. You would have thought the world ended for him! Oh.my.god. How embarassing, Angel?! I have to masturbate into a cup! Really buddy...I have to have weekly blood work and as a woman I have to have people check my muffin at least 1x a year for a pap. And, now I have to get it looked at ALL THE TIME! So, stop your complaining and at least your assignment will feel good.  In other words...you get an orgasm and I am a human pincushion. God bless America. After weeks of complaining he finally submitted the sample.  We call the fertility specialist and make a follow up appointment hoping I will be pregnant by the time I see him. Pregnancy test later and no baby. I'm heartbroken but then think the test is wrong, right??!! No. not wrong. very correct. No baby and as a matter of fact I don't ovulate. No babies ever. Ever. You don't ovulate so you can't have babies. The Dr. says I have one of the lowest rates of chances to become pregnant. The hubby's sperm is healthy and great.  Keith is happy and I am happy for him.  The problem now is that I am a loser and he can do so much better then me.  He can find a woman who can make a baby with him. Because I have ruined his hopes and dreams for a family by being a pathetic loser.  He never said this by the way. I said it. I feel like a complete failure. Keith is very supportive and hugs me and says it will all be ok. He says he loves me and we will get through this.  The Dr. gives me 6 months on fertility meds and then it's other options like IVF. Why not more than 6 months? Because it can cause cysts. Great. Ok, so I have 6 months. Let's do this. Get the meds and that was 4 months ago and still no baby. I buy fertility monitors and still don't ovulate with the help of my meds.  I am getting really pissy at the fact that I have to keep paying all this money and I get no results.  I cry and give up.  I find Keith looking at adoption lawyers and looking into the process. I come to peace with the fact that my dream is not my reality.  I will adopt. Keith says let's keep trying.  It is mentally and physically exhausting to go through this process and I am sooo sooo very tired. I go to the DR every single month and have continued blood work done. At the most recent Dr. appt I am ready to give up. The Dr. examines me and no cysts from the meds. Good. I am leaving and remind him that I did more bloodwork. Any word back? He checks and comes back with a smile. He says, 'Angel, you ovulated.' Never in my life did I ever think those words would be so sweet. I ask how because the ovulation tests return negative. He explains that I don't produce enough of the hormone for the tests to administer but I am still ovulating. So happy. He gives me more meds and says get to work. We'll talk next month about surgery procedures of no baby then. Another happy phone call to Keith that I started to ovulate. It's awesome. After many issues picking up the meds (because of my ridiculous insurance and idiotic Wal-Mart-who I hate) I take them and hope with all my might they work this month. So, I guess this leaves me with what? More patience. That's ok because hopefully soon we'll get our wish:)

Sunshine makes me happy:)

Good morning! I didn't get to blog last night because I'm getting old and my wrist hurt too bad from typing all darn day at work yesterday. The wrist needed a break and now it's back to business! Yippy! Ok, so as I type today please excuse any typos that may come out of it because my Butchy (my pug) is on my lap with the laptop. He has to touch me all the time and cries if he's not on me. But, the love of a dog is just so priceless and I don't know what I would do without mine. So, typing with my Butch on my lap and my Ruthy (my coonhound) laying in the sunlight by my feet. Sunshine shining on me and it makes me happy. I always knew that PA living wasn't for me because I need sunshine (and to get away from some of my family) all year around so left as soon as soon as I graduated college -Go Nittany Lions! My right hand man and best friend Keith (hubby) was with me and we moved to Delaware thinking the beach would be great. Nope. Too expensive and I had to work 3 jobs to clear $25,000 a year. Not our cup of tea. So, we picked up and moved to Arizona. I loved that place. Stunningly beautiful and met the funnest people to hang out with. I felt like I was on a daily vacation and had the best time there. But, then we moved out to Texas because of a better employment oppurtunity for Keith. So, here we are! TX is ok. Nice people and lots of the sunshine I love. I just miss my friends and sometimes feel like my life is passing me by.  I miss lots of things such as baby and bridal showers because of being away and it sucks. Is it passing me by or is this life and getting older? That's on my mind today...oh, and that I'm taking my last of this month's fertility meds today so hopefully will get pregnant. Needless to say Keith is excited and is ready to get to business:) Have a lovely Saturday whereever you are and I hope you have sunshine shining on your beautiful faces!

Family Matters

Hello, brave soul reading today's blog. Let's carry on from yesterday. You know...where I talked about my angry ladybits who don't want to cooperate? Yup. That's the one. So, again, 3 years ago we decided to have a baby and it didn't work. We wanted to keep trying and trying and trying. Nothing was happening. We went through being newlyweds fighting over this. We went through mourning my mother's death (RIP mommsy) and fighting over this. Which let me say I have some lousy siblings.  And this ties into our baby matters: I always knew I would be the one footing the bill for when she passed away. I'm the responsible one who doesn't screw people out of money and tries to pay people back if (and only if) I have to borrow money. So, It's all Angel's money all day every day. Which I barely get by anyways. And, I have always taken them out to eat, bought school clothes, paid bills, helped with getting their driver's licences, gave money to, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. So, here I am asking siblings to help with OUR mother's funeral costs so that I don't get a divorce over money matters and baby issues. And, let's face it, IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO!  I don't mind paying for things and enjoy helping others but I am at a point where I'm just like, 'really asshole?' When I ask what do I get, "well, we have kids and you have cars and a house so you can pay for everything." I am feeling hot in my face right now just talking about this and need to calm down before I lose it. Breathe......ok, better ....breathe...still not ok. I can seriously go on and on with the horrific emails I have received simply asking for help on this. I have cut my sister out of my life as she was involved in just one horrible email claiming I lied about funeral costs, etc. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!? WHEN DO I GET A NORMAL FAMILY?! I just can't believe the nerve of some people! Anways, I am going to stop here but wanted to point out that not only can I not have a baby but get it put in my face that I can't have a baby (while idiots reproduce) and DESERVE to be in debt to pay for other people's shit. And, I'm not talking about funerals here. But, talking about being too giving and trying to help my own family but when I ask for $50 whole dollars for help I get so disrespected. Oh, and I'm a tax payer and pay for people's kids that I can't have that they shouldn't have. Going through all of this makes me hope and pray for people like above...I hope YOUR children don't leave you stranded on your deathbed someday. Good news is is that I am only $250 away from paying the funeral off and next the tombstone. Yay! I only had to get a part tiem job at Kohl's on top of school and being employed in a stressful career full time.  I wouldn't expect jerks to stop buying WII's and hot wings to help a girl like me. No because that would be awful... I feel like a loser that my own mother doesn't have a tombstone after being gone for a year and a half. It's awful. But, I'm trying and have to save up for a tombstone before I can get that so trying very hard to save up. It's hard when you have fertility bills to pay for. In all honesty, being with my mother with her final breaths and being able to put her to rest is one of the best things to happen to me. Not that she passed away but so that I could be there for her. My mother and I have an extensive history of not getting along due to many reasons ( some of you know the details) and to be able to come to peace and to know personally that she is at peace is so very good in my book. And, it's worth the struggles with jerks like I mentioned before because when I am a parent whethere it be through me or adoption I will teach them all that I have learned and experienced and hopefully this will help them to be a great person and to do meaningful things in their lives. Not to be selfish and hateful people.

A new day

     Welp, what can I say? I feel this blog will help me with overcoming issues (within myself: self-esteem, trust, etc, etc). And, I hope most of all it may help others to overcome issues they may be having in their daily lives. What I am learning-yes it has taken me 30 years to realize-that talking and letting out your feelings will help you to feel better...most of the time. I have always held things in to be the 'strong one' and saw it as whining and a sign of weakness. Yes, this is bitchy I know and am working hard to overcome this about myself. I lecture people all the time about talking about things but can't do it myself. The whole 'do as a say not as I do' saying rings my bell unfortunately. Blah, blah, blah- so basically what I am trying to say is that learning at a really young age that putting out your feelings only to have them used against you later is not always true. You have to surround yourself with good, supportive and loving people and there you will find the answers you may need. I have found that maybe I do have something important to say and that people do love and support me. Who would have thought? Certainly not me (yes, I have issues...). 
     So where do I begin? Let's start with infertility...waaa wahhh. Cue Debbie Downer. I will be talking mostly about the problems that my hubby and I have been having with trying to conceive. And, let me tell you first hand this sucks beyond belief.  I never wanted children because of many reasons (through time I will go there with you) but then I get into a great life with a wonderful and caring man who wants to procreate with me. Yes, someone wants me to have their baby...sucker! Just kidding, dear:) And, after thinking about having a child I thought,"Angel, you'd be a great mother and should share such a wonderful experience as having a child." After coming to this decision we went for it. Yay! I would be pregnant right away and it would be great! After all- everyone I know can have kids and that includes my clients (you who know me what I'm talking about here) so why can't I?! That was 3 years ago...no babies here but lots and lots in everyone else's lives. We tried and tried and month after month the sad reality of that no baby would be coming in 9 months was heartbreaking. It consumes you. You feel like a loser and not a complete woman. How hard is it really to have a child because everyone else seems to do it just fine? Nope. Not me. Not gonna happen. It affected our marriage because of the constant let downs and the constant talking about it. Again, it consumes you. I can go on and on but my 'hook' is getting tired.  Stay tuned and I'll fill you in on more details. Have a fabulous day:)