Just realized I haven't posted in several days! I guess that means I am way toooo busy! With work and grad school coming to a close for the semester I am swamped. Good news is that yes, grad school will be coming to an end for the semester, and boy am I excited! I had no idea how much work grad school would be. Between being in class over 6 hours a week I put in at least 12+ reading and doing work/papers/projects, etc. Not exagerating here...it's alot. It seemed that undergrad was so easy (not easy but easier) and was able to be carefree and just know that the diploma is within reach and yay to adult working world! When you get older you have more responsibilities and this my friends takes so much time as you know. Then, add another responsibility like grad school and you are stretched so thin. But, it feels good to be bettering myself and getting my Master's. Who would have thought a girl like me -poor white trash- would grow up to graduate from one of the top schools in the country then to get a master's degree. Education has been my saving factor and I am forever grateful for it. Without educating myself I would be stuck somewhere crappy living a crappy life with a crappy man with crappy self-esteem (well, I still have that) with just crap in my life. We know I wouldn't have the 80 kids other people get to populate our world with who can't afford them! wait a damn minute...I bet you that if I was stuck in that kind of life I would have all those kids and not even want or appreciate them. It's funny how those things work...when you want and can afford something sometimes God and/or society doesn't always give it to you. Why is that? Well, since that's the case then I will just work harder for what I want. Which has always been the case for me...not much given but boy do I put in work. I must give myself a pat on the back for my work ethic. It's pretty awesome:) I wish I could put that work ethic into getting into shape but it just doesn't work like that. I just hope that with all the work I have been putting in to get pregnant comes through. And, I'm not talking sex here. I'm talking all the appointments, medication, exams, etc that I have been going through. Let's start from the top:
After trying for 3 years to get pregnant went to the Dr. to see about the possibility of fertility meds since my vagina wasn't working properly. The Dr. looked at me with that worried look and said, 'well, Angel, with you having your breast cancer scare (02/10-sorry if I never told you but yes...horribly terrifying experience and I am cancer free. Thank God) and you being 30 and have not been able to conceive I'm referring you to a fertility specialist. He's one of the best in the country and if your insurance will cover him you will get pregnant. He's great.' Well, hell! Sign me up lady! I'll be pregnant in lickity split! No worries! I call my insurance co. and they pay alot of the costs. I do research on said Dr and he is the real deal. Me and the hubby are elated. Our dream of a baby will soon be true! So, we schedule the initial appointment and are instructed to complete lots of paperwork. This paperwork covered everything from first sexual experiences and partners and on and on. Thank goodness that Keith and I have been so honest with each other with our sexual pasts because I could see how all those questions would cause serious issues between a couple. So, we do our paperwork and excitedly make it to our first appointment. I will be pregnant and blue skies will appear. Weellllll... it doesn't really work that way. Me, hubby and Dr. sit at this huge desk and discuss all the paperwork. Then, I get orders to do weekly blood work and to get a cathetor put inside of me. What.the.hell. Ummmm, hellooooo I was to leave here pregnant Doc! He lectures me on patience and time. Ok, sir, thank you but 3 years is patience. But, that research on him being a great fertility Dr. rings in my ear and reminds me to be even more patient. So, I go to get lots of bloodwork. This means leaving my hectic job random times of the day with clients scheduled. Do I go or do I stay? Well, I gotta go because if I don't the Dr. will not let me get pregnant. So, I go. So, yet another unfair condition occuring in the life of a woman who can't get pregnant-her work also has to suffer. But, I go and it sucks (I can't stand needles and thinking about them right now is making my stomach hurt). I also go for my catheter---catheter in me and fluid is pushed inside of my body. The Dr. (not my fertility Dr. but another) shows me what my lady parts looks like inside. I was grossed out but took this experience in because not everyone gets to see this. So, that was interesting. I am told I have beautiful ladybits but my cervix is turned but it's all good. I'll be able to have a baby and that with the fluid they put inside of me 'unclogged' everything and I have 3 months of the most fertile I will ever be in my life. After putting on a huge maxipad, because the fluid continues to leak from you for several hours because of the catheter, I am elated. I call the hubby and relay the great news---I am fertile and can reproduce! He's excited, I'm excited, we're excited. We go for it and try our damndest to make a baby. Oops...I forgot to mention that the hubby had his own assignment---to masturbate into a cup and get it to a lab. You would have thought the world ended for him! Oh.my.god. How embarassing, Angel?! I have to masturbate into a cup! Really buddy...I have to have weekly blood work and as a woman I have to have people check my muffin at least 1x a year for a pap. And, now I have to get it looked at ALL THE TIME! So, stop your complaining and at least your assignment will feel good. In other words...you get an orgasm and I am a human pincushion. God bless America. After weeks of complaining he finally submitted the sample. We call the fertility specialist and make a follow up appointment hoping I will be pregnant by the time I see him. Pregnancy test later and no baby. I'm heartbroken but then think the test is wrong, right??!! No. not wrong. very correct. No baby and as a matter of fact I don't ovulate. No babies ever. Ever. You don't ovulate so you can't have babies. The Dr. says I have one of the lowest rates of chances to become pregnant. The hubby's sperm is healthy and great. Keith is happy and I am happy for him. The problem now is that I am a loser and he can do so much better then me. He can find a woman who can make a baby with him. Because I have ruined his hopes and dreams for a family by being a pathetic loser. He never said this by the way. I said it. I feel like a complete failure. Keith is very supportive and hugs me and says it will all be ok. He says he loves me and we will get through this. The Dr. gives me 6 months on fertility meds and then it's other options like IVF. Why not more than 6 months? Because it can cause cysts. Great. Ok, so I have 6 months. Let's do this. Get the meds and that was 4 months ago and still no baby. I buy fertility monitors and still don't ovulate with the help of my meds. I am getting really pissy at the fact that I have to keep paying all this money and I get no results. I cry and give up. I find Keith looking at adoption lawyers and looking into the process. I come to peace with the fact that my dream is not my reality. I will adopt. Keith says let's keep trying. It is mentally and physically exhausting to go through this process and I am sooo sooo very tired. I go to the DR every single month and have continued blood work done. At the most recent Dr. appt I am ready to give up. The Dr. examines me and no cysts from the meds. Good. I am leaving and remind him that I did more bloodwork. Any word back? He checks and comes back with a smile. He says, 'Angel, you ovulated.' Never in my life did I ever think those words would be so sweet. I ask how because the ovulation tests return negative. He explains that I don't produce enough of the hormone for the tests to administer but I am still ovulating. So happy. He gives me more meds and says get to work. We'll talk next month about surgery procedures of no baby then. Another happy phone call to Keith that I started to ovulate. It's awesome. After many issues picking up the meds (because of my ridiculous insurance and idiotic Wal-Mart-who I hate) I take them and hope with all my might they work this month. So, I guess this leaves me with what? More patience. That's ok because hopefully soon we'll get our wish:)
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