Welp, what can I say? I feel this blog will help me with overcoming issues (within myself: self-esteem, trust, etc, etc). And, I hope most of all it may help others to overcome issues they may be having in their daily lives. What I am learning-yes it has taken me 30 years to realize-that talking and letting out your feelings will help you to feel better...most of the time. I have always held things in to be the 'strong one' and saw it as whining and a sign of weakness. Yes, this is bitchy I know and am working hard to overcome this about myself. I lecture people all the time about talking about things but can't do it myself. The whole 'do as a say not as I do' saying rings my bell unfortunately. Blah, blah, blah- so basically what I am trying to say is that learning at a really young age that putting out your feelings only to have them used against you later is not always true. You have to surround yourself with good, supportive and loving people and there you will find the answers you may need. I have found that maybe I do have something important to say and that people do love and support me. Who would have thought? Certainly not me (yes, I have issues...).
So where do I begin? Let's start with infertility...waaa wahhh. Cue Debbie Downer. I will be talking mostly about the problems that my hubby and I have been having with trying to conceive. And, let me tell you first hand this sucks beyond belief. I never wanted children because of many reasons (through time I will go there with you) but then I get into a great life with a wonderful and caring man who wants to procreate with me. Yes, someone wants me to have their baby...sucker! Just kidding, dear:) And, after thinking about having a child I thought,"Angel, you'd be a great mother and should share such a wonderful experience as having a child." After coming to this decision we went for it. Yay! I would be pregnant right away and it would be great! After all- everyone I know can have kids and that includes my clients (you who know me what I'm talking about here) so why can't I?! That was 3 years ago...no babies here but lots and lots in everyone else's lives. We tried and tried and month after month the sad reality of that no baby would be coming in 9 months was heartbreaking. It consumes you. You feel like a loser and not a complete woman. How hard is it really to have a child because everyone else seems to do it just fine? Nope. Not me. Not gonna happen. It affected our marriage because of the constant let downs and the constant talking about it. Again, it consumes you. I can go on and on but my 'hook' is getting tired. Stay tuned and I'll fill you in on more details. Have a fabulous day:)
Angel, Thank you for inviting me to share you life. You were my best friend growing up and we were pulled apart due to life circumstance. I am glad to have you back eventhough you live miles away. A friend shared this poem about infertility with me so I thought I would pass it along. I love you girl and you are an amazing woman.
ReplyDeleteA Poem about infertility
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
-Author Unknown
Tonya,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing. I can relate to this so much and will refer back to it for comfort. I am so lucky to have you as a friend and supporter in my life and for the last 20 years.
Love always,
Angel