I can relate to that...

Warning:  If you don't want to have a movie ruined then stop reading. This post is me through the eyes of the movie 'No Strings Attached.' It stars Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. FYI-how cute is NP?! Adorable! Anyways, the movie is about a girl and a guy who meet back up after years of not seeing each other and their path to love via having lots of sex. NP wants to have sex with AK with no strings attached but AK has different plans...he actually likes her. So, throughout the movie she is totally against falling in love with him and tries to sabatoge the entire possibility of love and a relationship. Ok, so where I feel I can relate here is not by having sex with random people for sex. I can count the people I've had relations with on one hand. Yeah, I'm pretty boring you could say. I feel like if you have sex with someone as a woman that person becomes apart of you. You may not have feelings for the other person but you shared a very intimate moment together. No, I'm not a girly mushface and am not needy in any way imaginable.  I kind of wish I had put out in my younger days just to see what it is like to be 'wanted.' Oh well. I don't feel like I missed out and am happy to have been having sex with my hubby (and only him) for almost 10 years now. And, this will continue because I married the man and am happy I did:) Where the relating comes into play is that I could see myself in NP's character in the movie because she kept pushing AK away from her despite all the nice attempts he made to show how much he cared. Total trust and abandonment issues. Samesies. I remember when guys approached me in the past and I could not possibly believe they had any interest whatsoever in this girl. Fat, stupid, ugly, worthless, trash, etc etc. Who the hell would want me? No one. If any interest was shown I automatically assumed it was either for sex because there were no other options (again, I never put out), or because they were interested in a friend instead. I'd 'help' them out by getting rid of them first. Never have I been broken up with but was the heartbreaker. I was so scared of rejection and kept thinking that I was outsmarting them. When really I was so scared to be hurt. When involved with one particular guy who was a notorious player I remember watching him actually like me yet I could not get it through my head that maybe I was special to someone. He always said the right things and I just thought "whatever loser." I'll keep playing along. Then, when I broke things off he looked at me with confusion and sadness and said, "you don't even like me. You act like you want nothing to do with me." I just went on with no problems in my life missing that possibility. Now, I see that I was so against letting anyone into my heart and head. This guy actually tried really hard and I basically laughed in his face and kind of made a fool of him.  Some of my friends watched this go down and would say, "Angel, you're a player!" I laughed it off and just thought better him than me. And, this is just one example. I watch this movie and see a sad sad girl who really believed that she was worthless and that relationships weren't her thing. The best thing would be to be alone. Yay! My thoughts exactly. However, NP is beautiful, fun, witty and smart and some one did like her. The movie ended with a happy ending of the two being together but it was tough for them because of NP's issues. At one point she told AK to go hook up with someone and he was going to and she almost lost him for good. I don't even know how many times I told ex's and my hubby to go hook up with someone else because I suck. They never took me up on this (to my knowledge). I have come to realize (even though I have always sort of known this) that I always push people way from me. I just assume they will leave me anyways so I want to end it all before they get a chance to. Better they get hurt then me, right? But, they don't care anyways. Right? But, they do from what I have experienced. I have done some mean things in my day and have learned these things weren't to be mean but to see if I would be left. Keith has proven to me countless times that I am very much loved and no matter what he will love me always. This is so powerful and shows his great character. I may get pissed at him but I can never say he is a bad person. He's so forgiving and it teaches me too that I need to be forgiving and just be myself. No need to push people away because at this point in my life I hope those around me do care for me. One of my first conversations with Keith was telling him that he could do better and he shouldn't waste his time on a girl like me. After all, I was all those bad things I mentioned earlier. This man proved he loved me all the way from AZ to PA. He moved to PA to be near me and I still did't believe he liked me for me. That was nearly a decade ago and he continues to shower me with love. My goal here is to stop being so hard on him and just trusting the fact that I am worthy of love. This was just hard for me to type but I have to stop being my worst enemy. I hope to continue to grow from this realization and to stop unconsciously sabotoging my very own happiness.